Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

Huge if true.

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

I am, perchance

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

This can never not be funny 😭😭

Friend: How long till school starts?

Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*