Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

Party Cat & Scaredy Cat

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

#TopTip

who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.