Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.