Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
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Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant