Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1597715042530725893/pu/vid/404x720/6fwFlEkr3R5z16p1.mp4?tag=14

Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Finished stitching this today 😇

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.