rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
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I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary