Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

Punctuation Matters. Period.

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

“Are you submissive? 😏”

No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳