Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell