Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
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You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL