Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E