Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
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The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
December birthdays be like…
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.