Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
You Might Also Like
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
happy valentine’s day to me
Dolls on drugs
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Breaking news:
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.