Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
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Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
You might just have to resign…
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns