rest in peas
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“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
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[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?