rest in peas
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THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I wish I could veto my bills.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
What the hell happened here.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time