@liamoryan

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

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@megbada

I absolutely recommend falling in love with your twitter crush and traveling about 3612 miles to boink them.

@CakeThrottle

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

@JCWisdomNuggets

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

@Brianhopecomedy

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

@Ristolable

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

@rickolantern

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: Alright guys, please read the sex manuals I’ve provided
RABBIT: Oh hell yeah
STUD HORSE: Ah nice
PRAYING MANTIS: What the f–

@o__0Dev

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

@trojansauce

ME: hey baby

HOT GIRL:

ME:

HOT GIRL:

ME:

HOT GIRL:

ME: *looks closer*

HOT GRILL:

ME: oh

@Ochie2S

Me: *flirting* “So…, Where are you from?”

Girl: “Abroad”

Me: “I also come from a woman”