Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
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[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
what are they serving at kfc then???
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle