I absolutely recommend falling in love with your twitter crush and traveling about 3612 miles to boink them.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
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On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
GOD: Alright guys, please read the sex manuals I’ve provided
RABBIT: Oh hell yeah
STUD HORSE: Ah nice
PRAYING MANTIS: What the f–
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
ME: hey baby
ME: *looks closer*
Me: *flirting* “So…, Where are you from?”
Me: “I also come from a woman”