Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
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My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time