Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
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*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Any refunds available?…
Knock Knock
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.