Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

The Weeknd is back