Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
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Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves