Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR

I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

the simulation is moving too fast

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.

EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.