Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
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If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
LA today:
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff