Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”

“No.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

Best spot.. 😅

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No