Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

Hot hot hot 🥵

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”

Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.

I would move hell over six inches for you

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.