Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

me: you misspelled school

8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word

me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.