Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
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Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
vegan witches, happy halloween!
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.