Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

The morning after pill, but for tweets

because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs

do you know what they all have in common?????????

eggos

they eat all my eggos

Every time

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

4: can I have two little muffins?

Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one

4: no I want two NOWWWW

Me: let’s start with one

4: NOOOO TWOOOO

Me: just one

4: TWOOOO

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: FINE *gives her two*

4: *eats only one*

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?

That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.