Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

Möther may I have a snäck

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

thanks auntie mary

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa