Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

The dark side of Canada

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

I need to update my racial profile.

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

Them: “Nobody said anything.”

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers