Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”

Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP