[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
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I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I’ve been lied to my entire life
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor