[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
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2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
