@BillMc7

Restaurant Hostess: “Sorry about the wait.”
Me: “It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize for being overweight.”

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@ShootyDoody

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

@iamburtjarvis

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.

@HatfieldAnne

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

@Br00klyn_BeAr

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

@chuuew

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

@MonicaLewinsky

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

@capnwatsisname

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

@FeelingMervis

Find someone who can make you happy, like a doctor or pharmacist….basically anyone who has access to mood-enhancing drugs.