Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
You Might Also Like
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.