Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Restaurant Hostess: “Sorry about the wait.”
Me: “It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize for being overweight.”
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God: How can we ruin pizza?
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Me: I love you.
Her: I love DuckTales.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Find someone who can make you happy, like a doctor or pharmacist….basically anyone who has access to mood-enhancing drugs.