Restaurant Hostess: “Sorry about the wait.”
Me: “It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize for being overweight.”

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Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…


Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about


I totally get why women are attracted to men who ride motorcycles. Like you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a lot.


I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.


‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place


I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.


*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
poor sock


Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back


My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.