restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
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APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
was Jim off killing horses or…
