restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
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starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
wow
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all