restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
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My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?