Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
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Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
They did not think through this water fountain
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
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my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.