restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
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chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
President The Rock Obama
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works