Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..

I said, you too..

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

[dinner]
prince eric:

ariel:

prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing

ariel: no no, not this crab

prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good

ariel: he was just a backup dancer

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”