Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

Krampus.

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

🙂🐾

When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?

Me: Well how much does the position pay?

Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays

Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?

Boss: Then we won’t hire you

Me: What if I underestimate?

Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here