Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

“I never trust anything from the government!”

*uses highways

I have a new favorite meme page

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

me: babe watch me flip this omelette!

her: cool

me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!

her: sick!!!

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

Pizza is an emotion right?

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*