[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
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emergency phone
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
*serious situation*
My brain:
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.