Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

😩😩😩

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.