Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
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elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window