Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
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I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
can I use a minion as a tampon
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I can also cook 😂
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I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
where do you see yourself in five years?
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Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
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[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea