Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
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lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.