Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
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⚠️ Important Reminder:
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”