Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
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Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
This why you should mind your business
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”