Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
You Might Also Like
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Pass gas, not judgment.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York