[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
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What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
sure, why not
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
hmm conte-me mais
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”