Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

*checks Timeline*…

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

“and you are November’s PM yes?”

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.