Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

*at dinner table*

Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’

Her:

Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.

If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!

Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*