Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

Sunday night: Super Bowl party!

Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

At ease

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.