@AndyAsAdjective

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

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@MariyaAlexander

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

@AndyAsAdjective

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

@rickkondell

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

@MentalAbortions

I’m pretty sure they weren’t talking about stupid when they told you, “If you got it flaunt it.”

@TiaBarracini

I lost my husband two years ago and am thinking about dating again.

Does this bed seem too desperate?

@jake_likes_naps

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

@ShadyLadyHH

My new hobby is sitting outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say “You can see me?”

@sugarboyfly

Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.

@Eightinchgoat

Sorry I tried to strengthen my immune system by asking your wife to breast feed me.

@LaLa_Lyds

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.