[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
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9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
*3.5 thank you very much.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
No, he would not have.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.