My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
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If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I’m pretty sure they weren’t talking about stupid when they told you, “If you got it flaunt it.”
I lost my husband two years ago and am thinking about dating again.
Does this bed seem too desperate?
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
My new hobby is sitting outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say “You can see me?”
Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.
Sorry I tried to strengthen my immune system by asking your wife to breast feed me.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.