Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.

Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab