Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”

Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”

*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.