Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.