Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.

Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

normalize having existential bread

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

Me redecorating every room in my mind

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

Him: I like to play devils advocate

Me: There are way better games out there

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?