Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

💀💀

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice