All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
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Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line