Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

My new favorite headline

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

We’ve all been there…

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.