Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every
Single
Year

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector

drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

A leaf blower, but for people.

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

“no gods no masters” = leo

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both