Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.