[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
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I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.