[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
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No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
God has left this place
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.