My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
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When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.