Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company