Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.