[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
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Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
This is no longer winter this is harassment