Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)