ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

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My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.


I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.


him: I like bad girls

me: [eating banana with peel on] I’m listening.


I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics


The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.


Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox


If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.


Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.


[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”