ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

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Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?


My garden shed door keeps opening and closing.

Is it the wind? Yes.

Am I going to tell my kids it’s haunted so they stay out? Also yes.


Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.

The irony is not lost on me.


I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.


There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.


Relationship status: using the middle stall so someone has to sit next to me.


HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
Me: Make up your mind.


Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.


Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.