[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
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I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
are they though??
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.