@MatCro

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

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@3sunzzz

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

@GinAndJif

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

@suumbal

him: I like bad girls

me: [eating banana with peel on] I’m listening.

@adult_mom

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

@LostFelicia

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

@geekysteven

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

@AnitaHelmet

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

@my_minivan_life

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

@daemonic3

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit