@MatCro

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

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@JohnLyonTweets

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

@AverageCorners

My garden shed door keeps opening and closing.

Is it the wind? Yes.

Am I going to tell my kids it’s haunted so they stay out? Also yes.

@paperphotoyo

Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.

The irony is not lost on me.

@stanleybehrman

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

@squirrel74wkgn

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

@Dr_awfulpants

Relationship status: using the middle stall so someone has to sit next to me.

@WilliamAder

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

@Chalu_Chokra

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

@bingowings14

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.