Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Me: Well what?
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
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My garden shed door keeps opening and closing.
Is it the wind? Yes.
Am I going to tell my kids it’s haunted so they stay out? Also yes.
Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.
The irony is not lost on me.
why am I working on Labor Day
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Relationship status: using the middle stall so someone has to sit next to me.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.