Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

Mouse

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.