Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

“FOUND ‘EM!”

No Google it does not

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.