Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

I hope google does well on my son’s test

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.