ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

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The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.


“My name is–”
“My name is–”
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.


If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.


Evil Queen: mirror-
Hand Mirror: what
Evil Queen: mirror-
Hand Mirror: WHAT
Evil Queen: on the wall
Hand Mirror: oh shit sorry


“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”


my dog hates his nails getting clipped so my dad literally bought a purse & cut holes in it


AGE 21: I haven’t slept in 3 days cause of finals but I’m gonna party all night and do a pub crawl tomorrow

AGE 35: Sorry I’d love to come to dinner but my eye is watery and I’m gonna be resting for the next week


The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.


Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.


Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up