@MatCro

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

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@iamnotdiddy

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

@dyldonot

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

@HatfieldAnne

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

@fro_vo

Evil Queen: mirror-
Hand Mirror: what
Evil Queen: mirror-
Hand Mirror: WHAT
Evil Queen: on the wall
Hand Mirror: oh shit sorry

@crouton_futon

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

@KendalPeifer

my dog hates his nails getting clipped so my dad literally bought a purse & cut holes in it

@Home_Halfway

AGE 21: I haven’t slept in 3 days cause of finals but I’m gonna party all night and do a pub crawl tomorrow

AGE 35: Sorry I’d love to come to dinner but my eye is watery and I’m gonna be resting for the next week

@ericbove

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

@dafloydsta

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

@pilau

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up