[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
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Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too