Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

*walks in on family gathering*

I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.